Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.