Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Taking phone security to the next level.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.