Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
