Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
i’m laughing very hard in real life