Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.