me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.