me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Reminder:
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.