me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.