me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
You Might Also Like
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Bond. Trauma bond.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Bruh
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.