Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.