Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

?

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.