Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many