Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

scrabbled eggs

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.