Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

so, is there a mister shapen head

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*