Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

everyone’s a critic

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

ready to be harvested

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.