Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters