Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

🤣

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.