Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
