Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
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Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
“you look easy to draw”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
