Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I love it
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)