Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
BRO LMFAO
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.