Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
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I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.