me adding lol on a serious message
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.