Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
