Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
set yourself free xox
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
