Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
