Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.