Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.