Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.