[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
me 2 months after i graduated
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The little toadstool has spoken.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.