ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
i meant to share this earlier
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN