Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

*First person to ever eat Chicken*

Friend: So what does it taste like?

FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.