ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Every haunted house movie:
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?