ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
584.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags