Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!