Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments