Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
