Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?