Me after 1 airport cocktail:
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.