Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Um … Hot Wings please
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.