Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
You have been warned.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
This took me a second..
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.