Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

it be like that

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

let’s discuss

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.