Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
tinder is all about the long game
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*