Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
