Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
