@Parkerlawyer

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

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@SummerCandyEyes

I think all the women who don’t get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

@_thatigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@danjan13

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

@KKAlThani

Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who’s boss.

@Laser_Cat

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

@AdamTheLobster

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

@molly7anne

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

@WildeThingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@ObscureGent

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.