Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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estão todos miauvindo?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs