Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Them: Just act casual
Me:
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.