Me, after a minor inconvenience:
You Might Also Like
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
