Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
That took me a moment.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence