Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good