Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
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Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break