Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe