me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
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The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
the last thing a carrot sees
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.