Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Sheep

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out