Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?Me: Sure.
11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.