Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?