Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

I cannot call her anything else now

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo