Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Feels like the fourth month in January
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
😂🤣😂🤣
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self