Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
What my back needs
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!