Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.


You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.


I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.


I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.


So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.


Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet

Outsmarted again.