@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

- @JoParkerBear

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@LackOfShame

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

@d_duhwit

Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Dealer: No.

@bornmiserable

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

@impaulmccoy

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

@the0dyss3y

dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.

@kcmoore51

11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.

The Twitter is strong in this one.

@4handfuls

Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…