I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Not all heroes wear capes…
So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.
Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet