@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

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@ThRealBallsDeep

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

@chelliet22

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

@C_J_Commode

I’ve reached the point of laziness where even laying around has become too much for me to handle.

@Hil439

I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.

@TattedChanel

So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.

@Doublelife64

Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet

Outsmarted again.