Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

found my next D&D character name

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.