me, after any kind of buffet.
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.