Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

sure, why not

☠️

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.