me, after any kind of buffet.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Jurassic park gets weird
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.