me, after any kind of buffet.
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Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.