me, after any kind of buffet.
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Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Holy shit he’s back
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
