Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies