Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
when you order from DoorDastardly
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.