Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

5 ways to appear taller

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.