Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
also my go-to takeaway order
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.