Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Mornin. * use accordingly

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Growing up was a huge mistake

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*