Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

very niche meme I made

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

My blood type is b hungry.

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA