Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
this has done me in for some reason
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.