me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
found my next D&D character name
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo