Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Knock Knock

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening