me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
You Might Also Like
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Awesome parenting 😂
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.