me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
The United Steaks of America
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed